Jag? How dangerous can smoking really be....?

 

Another week and another load of car based OCD issues - something all true car addicts are afflicted by...

For Gray - RIP buddy 😞

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It's our old buddy Nick O'Teen!

I used to smoke. I loved smoking. I knew it wasn't good for me - but the world is a twisted place, and as far as I can tell all the fun things in this earthly life are "bad for you". Balls. So smoke it up son I thought - and had a jolly good time doing so. I'm older and maybe wiser (debatable) now; so the fags have been swapped for a vape, the Bollinger for a pint of mild, the nightclubs for....You get the picture. And yes, the fast, flaky and fun motors have become a procession of Mr Honda's finest....

Now there's nothing wrong with Mr Honda - in fact I'd go as far as to say that anyone suffering from a particularly severe case of life ruining car addiction would be well advised to pay Mr Honda a visit - it will be cheaper and more fun than The Priory....But I'm not one for rehab - so I still try and stop life becoming a long list of ever more tedious, safe, transactional torture. To that end I have my turbo charged MK3 MR2 Roadster (SP260 for all the Mr. Two geeks out there), my motorbikes (90s Japanese sportsbikes natch), and my "family friendly" JDM Subaru Forester XT SH5. Unfortunately it's my Fozz that's the cause of me considering taking up smoking again....

My lovely wife had a not so lovely prang in the Fozz - the sort of thing you wouldn't even think much about - but a cataclysmic series of events have resulted in Mr Subaru taking a trip to the Church of Shattered Dreams....(AKA the insurance company repair centre)

 

This is a right royal pain, but being the car addict I am, I knew what to do - hit the classifieds and shoot-up on a heady mix of Autotrader, Ebay, Facebook Marketplace and all the other used-metal pushers... Obviously scouring the car classifieds is a daily ritual for any self-respecting car addict - but it takes on a different complexion when you might ACTUALLY NEED a car... So this is something of an opportunity for the reformed car snorter...Shit just got real (ish)...

But what to get? I needed to get my game-face on and set out the parameters for any potential deal. Something with 4 or more seats, an auto 'box (preferably Slush-O-Matic), ULEZ compliant, comfortable - and here's the really important bit - INTERESTING.... Oh and I set a budget of £5K. Not sure why I chose £5K, but I always think a limited budget makes for a more intense rush when it comes to finding an interesting motor. It's like finding a cheap wine in Lidl that's as good as a £25 bottle from Waitrose.

So with said plan in order - the search started in earnest... I quickly realised that diesel would be out of the question - Euro 6 cars being way too new for my criteria (I should also add - I'm after something not tooooo leggy...). So petrol it was. All the sensible options left me cold - I was after something with character. Great idea! - I'll look for larger capacity motors, as sensible people won't be looking at those. That then lead me to think about types of cars that the general public don't like. Saloons. It has to be a saloon. No, It has to be a Luxo-Barge! 

No normal person would give something that's not an SUV a second look in 2024 - so that's precisely what I should be looking for. "One man's firewood is another man's porcupine wotsisname”. An A8 maybe? A bit too buttoned up? Mercs? Possibly? But all a bit tired looking and potentially full of rot. Then it hit me - it's a smoker I'm after and a smoker HAS to be a Jaaag! Of course - the answer was so simple. But which Jag? X-Type could be OK - but the tax and MPG isn't so great for a small car. S-Type? Maybe? I might quite enjoy driving a car that looks like a frightened guppy? What about the XJ though? The king of Jags, a prince amongst smokers, a diamond in the rough (well maybe just rough, so we'll gloss over that one). I'd love a Series 3 (I think Pininfarina NAILED it with the Series 3) - be all Arthur Daley about town...

Realistically though a Series 3 isn't going to hit my criteria and still be a car that could get me to Cornwall without expiring in a pile of finest British Leyland oxidised steel on the side of the A30. Shaken to my core at the prospect of this uniquely British brand of tin-worm I almost gave up on my smoker dream... But wait a second - what about the X350....? Now there's a motor that still reeks of sawn-off shotguns and black labradors, but, praise the lord, is made of aluminium. Now I'm deluded for sure - but not deluded enough to think that the presence of recycled Coke cans in the manufacturing process is enough to offset chronic bad management, under funded development, and a workforce constantly wondering if this was their last pay cheque. But sod all that - it's a Jag, It's British, and it is THE SMOKER!

Buoyed by a misguided sense of patriotism, mixed with a dangerous dash of nostalgia, I got digging... Period reviews were largely positive, the engineering mostly sound, and the prices all over the shop. Bugger. I needed to think of a way to make this work. It was then I saw a nice looking 3.0 V6 petrol model advertised locally on AutoTrader. A bit more digging and it seemed that the petrol V6 might be the smoker of my dreams. Of course I'd love an XJR - or even just a 4.2 V8 N/A - but not even my brand of man-maths could make the numbers work. But a petrol V6 - that could do nicely? £200 insurance (nice), £395 tax (not nice but fine), 30mpg on a run (not that believable, so we'll ignore that one), Ford based V6 lump (not exactly cool - but adequate). I exchanged the obligatory WhatsApp messages with the seller - and set out to see the car. Oh boy! What a glorious machine! Not mint - but just the right amount of shabby to make it useable and crucially cheap enough. Kind of old money shabby chic (well that's what I'm calling it. Ken Clarke in car form).

Sitting in the evening glow of a leafy part of Bristol - the light blue Jag looked the business. Even better than that - Dom - the chap selling it - was a totally top bloke, to the extent that we were soon cruising around Bristol in the X350 talking about anything and everything other than the X350. This is a very good thing. If a car melts into the background like a pair of old slippers then it's doing something very right; and that something is being about the most invitingly woody, leathery, waft-tastic gentleman's express one could hope to be conveyed in (well, the most invitingly woody, leathery, waft-tastic thing that around £5k can get one). Smoker nirvana.

The story doesn't end there - as there's still the matter of the Church of Shattered Dreams to contend with - but if they leave me with at least a degree of dignity intact and a massively underwhelming cheque in my hand - then I think it will be high time I took up smoking again...

(Hi there guys in pedant corner - I know it's an X308 not an X350 - it's just for comedic effect OK! Oh, and while I'm here, there is another (implied) error in this article - but I'm going to leave that for you top-drawer pendants to spot. It's wrong on almost all the intweb, and it just made a better story alright?!🤷)

To be continued.... 

Contact will.knott.tv@gmail.com

Tel +447940519575

I'll just leave you with some images of the best woody, leathery, waft-tastic ambiance that around £5k can get you......